This is becoming a frequent occurance=) Yay!!

Another week.Its hard to believe that the kids only have left 12 days before they go back to school from their summer holidays.What have we done?!!Absolutely nothing(in 7-8 weeks).Now i started of feeling guilty and like a terrible mother.Like us all we have alot of plans to do over the holidays.I no longer feel guilty,as my older kids are old enough to understand that Mum isn't well,and have seen it all so i'm sure they understand the concept of depression more now.Even the little boys understand Mum is sick at the moment and they need to ask Dad.These holidays have showed me how important it is for Tyler(my 7 yr old with Aspergers) to for a short time act like a normal child with no structure and no rules,for our therapists and ourselves we are learning as we go.I cant tell you just how relaxed he has been,while a part of me does feel guilty for allowing him to do what he's been wanting to do,to think its no different from the average child.To watch him with no routine,no expectations and to play like a normal...yes neuro typical child and to see a relaxed happy child,it cant get much better than this.A couple of times we have seen a very natural smile on our child.Not a fake false smile that an Aspergers child gives.

Our holidays have been about my recovery and also term 1,i believe it will take all of this time and so do the professionals i am seeing.At this point i come number 1,even before my husband and kids.Drs and psychologist this week.For the next 2 weeks or when the meds run out i have now agreed to take valium for my anxiety.(will not agree at any point to anti depressants) Valium is an instant relief,that takes away the anxiety and gives me a clear head,how quickly i could become addicted to them.Its only short term,i am young and their highly addictive.Only to be taken when the anxiety has gotten too much and i'm at home as side effects are drowsiness.In 3 days i have only taken 1 tablet,even though i could of easily taken more but have relied on my daily sleep to help with my symptoms of anxiety.Now my anxiety is bigger than the depression. Apparently that happens.A simple daily activity can start up my anxiety,like going to the drs or the psychologist and it progresses over the day even to the point where it takes over your whole body.Shopping centre's are the worst,to start with its all of your senses lights,noise and people..Your head starts pounding,it feels like everything is caving in on you,you cant breathe,you feel like passing out.Hot flushes,and you finding yourself practicing your deep breathing(evenly)to allow more oxygen into your body and when your at this point you have to get out of that situation.I know shops are too much,but i still have to do certain chores.Its over crowded area's and dosent matter who these ppl are either.

We are actually doing something YAY..with the family from the 14th-21st Jan,camping with my hubby's side of the family.I am looking forward to it and it will be great for the kids,to get out of the house and outdoors and enjoy being kids,go to the beach,have water gun fights,go for a walks,board games ect,although i am nervous as right now i cant handle being around too many ppl,so where these drugs will come in handy i guess if needed and no matter where i am,my daily sleep is needed for my survival.Am realizing i am not a depressed person,i have an illness and i am recovering.I am also a changed person,i have learnt a lot,i'm not going to be the same person i was.My life is all about myself,husband and children.They are my no 1 priority.Family and friends come next,realizing how everything effects Tyler and myself.I am 1 person,there is alot to being a mother to 5 children and a special needs child.Destressing my life as much as possible,ive started to declutter the house so it makes it easier for the kids and i.Not having high expectations of myself,it dosent matter if the house isn't clean,we have a family so we live in a home.I would rather spend more quality time with my kids and life is short.Id rather the kids memories being that we had lots of fun times together not that i was highly stressed,sick becoz of it and worried more about what the house looked like.

I am slowly recovering,but it feels like your sitting at the edge of the seat...one step backwards and i would be back where i was.Im slowly regaining more energy,again as long as i get my daily nap.Im able to take care of the littlies by myself(what a feeling that is) even playing board games(which is the best feeling and enjoy seeing their happy little faces)and maintaining the housework.Im starting to see i want to hit goals again,back to calorie counting but without depriving or starving myself lol,focusing on personal training and my own workouts.Taking a break from classes altogether till term 2 when i'm fully recovered and have my energy back 100%.I've already lost 1kg from the xmas weight i gained(1.8kg) All positive thinking=)

Ive also started reading and am enjoying it,its very relaxing.The book i'm reading 'Handle with Care'(Jodie Picoult)Thanx Chantell for getting me onto this wonderful Author.Just love her books,even bought another for camping today.Is giving me real insight with any family with a child with a disability,the pressures it puts on a family,wife & husband and siblings.I understand now even more from Micayla's(13 yr daughter) the frustration she must feel with Tyler and the extra responsibility she would feel than just seeing that they really clash together.This week my 17 yr old daughter moved back home after exploring the outside world for herself.We love having her back home,and it is like xmas for Tyler.He cant stop smooching and cuddling her,its very sweet:)

Its hard to believe that Kayden(nearly 5 yr old) is starting full time prep in 12 days...my baby!!:( even though i am feeling sad and i will really miss him.I do feel guilty with Kayden at times,so much goes into Tyler that i feel like i missed out on alot with Kayden.A normal feeling i know.I am looking forward to this year though once i am past my recovery and back to me.After raising my 5 kids,its time for me.Having time for Tyler's work which piles up on me.Giving everything up in term 1 is going to be hard but i know i'm not up to it.Also with Tyler's psychologist away for a couple of mths this year,we are able to access a private one under the mental health care plan,as hes on meds for 12 mnths...here that works with children.Term 1 is going to be wonderful for Tyler,only school and home life,we definitively put too many outside activities on our children these days.I do it with tyler for different reason but it can become too much.

Better sign of for now=)

Tan Xoxo